So I’ve been a bit quiet lately – my last post was a month ago! I can’t believe how fast time passes, and yet the days have never seemed longer. It’s almost the end of the year and boy, I cannot wait for it to end. And I was reading somewhere that forget it almost being a new year – we’re at the tail end of a decade. That is crazy. It’s our last NYE ringing in the 2010+’s. Now that I’m thinking about it, I cannot wait for that to come, screw the year I think I’ve just had a shit decade.
To explain my absence, (I’m not quite sure to who just yet, but in my head I have a handful of people who like me enough to read this – like my therapist, (albeit the fact that it is his job)), I’ve just been struggling to life. My migraines have gone whack. And I mean 30hour-non-stop bad. They have been bad before, I think my longest ever migraine was 3 weeks – I remember we had a family wedding at the time and I had to miss out on a few things. Whats new 🙄 but I generally get a few ours of solace in between to eat & sleep. These last few months though – Helgas been absolutely relentless! I feel braincells exploding and I’m just deteriorating with each one. Physically. Mentally. The works really.
To add to it, I’m in the slumpiest of slumps. Anyone who has suffered from depression will understand the joys of this lovely emotional roller coaster we call life. When the lows hit, you are plummeted into this dark abyss, unsure of how long its going down, unsure of when you’ll be pulled back up. Everything speeds up around you, yet you have remained s t a g n a n t. You feel like you’re about to fly off, maybe you want to fly off, yet something holds you down. You may have found that someone who rides beside you and holds your hand, maybe a few others in front / behind, yet you also feel so alone. You may scream, laugh, cry, smile, or just feel numb from the impact. You may think ‘when is this going to end‘ or ‘what the fuck am i doing with my life‘, mentally say your goodbyes, call upon a God you may or may not believe in. And then you hit the bottom.
Which is where I am right now. I’m lucky to have the someone to hold my hand, (although not literally, we’re in different countries but virtually will do for now!)
I also have the family & friends support – my sister especially (bless her for putting up with me). But I see the steep climb ahead, and I wonder is it worth it? I look back at the past 10 odd years (we’ll say this decade for shits ‘n giggles), all the highs & lows, and I notice that, for me at least, the highs have been brief and then you’re set spiralling when your illness hits again, inevitably. It is absolutely exhausting. Even if I pull out of this slump, what is the point when Helga has been so aggressive I’ll just be flung back down! The pair of them, (Helga is my migraines if that has not been clear thus far, and Thelma is my depression, I have previously explained why I’ve personified them if you are still wondering – you clearly aren’t part of my ‘fanclub’), are avid co-conspirators in how to inflict maximum pain. I’ve found it harder to climb out of this abyss with each ascent. Isn’t there more to life than just pain? What people misunderstand is that people going through invisible illnesses are not lazy, nor have we used this as an excuse to stay in bed and not work, I would love to have something to do! But I can’t commit to even the most simple of projects, even blogging! (ps, all you lovely humans out there with health-related blogs and are able to post on the regular as well as some of you who are participating in Blogmas – hats off to you!!) Because who knows when Helga will come knocking, and for how long? Is this really how to live a life?
On top of that I know the toll it puts on the ones closest to me, they won’t say it but you can see the helpnessless plastered across their faces when I have yet another migraine. I sound like a fucking broken record for the most part – it happens so bloody often. And then I feel this guilt, even though everyone involved knows its not my fault but I can’t help it. I feel I should be stronger. I should be able to fight it. Do something with my life. Make them proud. But I know I just can’t. I am that helpless. Which is why living alone works for me – no one can see the extent of my failings on the daily. There must be more to life – right?
You can write off the erratic-ness of this post to my current inability to human properly but needing to vent! Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.
Sending love your way,
Emma B ♡