What to do when you can’t do anything

Growing up, I think we all had an image of what we envisioned our lives to be as adults. The nice job, car, partner, maybe even a few kids. And sure enough in this lovely day and age of social media, we are a scroll away from seeing all these people ticking these milestones off of their lists. I am happy for them. Truly.

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In some cultures (like mine), getting married is one of the biggest achievements for a woman. Here you were, calculating what you needed on your final exam to graduate, then fluffing up your resume for a job to get experience, that requires experience to apply – when all you needed was a husband! Forget the aunts at family reunions, I’ve had ‘friends’ (very loosely used), who have recently gotten married and because of this act like they are somehow more successful than those who are not. Or maybe we are working on other things! Like getting through half a dozen donuts in one sitting. THIS should be applauded. You just have more people to answer to now, Stacy.

I say this like I am too busy succeeding in other areas, when currently the biggest achievement for me is the days I leave the house. That sounds like a sweet deal – unemployed, able to laze at home all day binge-watching Netflix, changing out of my daytime pyjamas into my nighttime ones, and because I live alone – doing absolutely nothing with no one to judge you. I too, once, had all these aforementioned ‘life goals’, I trained as a pastry chef over the course of a few years, and have always dreamed of opening my own dessert bar. But in between juggling Helga, *debilitating bi-weekly migraines, that have been around for a good 10 years* and Thelma, **Helga’s mental health counterpart,** reality has recently hit hard these past few months, and I have succumbed to the fact that although this could happen later on, maybe when there is a break-through in medical research or some divine intervention, right now this will have to remain as a dream. Doing anything at all that requires a daily commitment is not on the table, forget that, the days Helga turns full bitch-mode, so does my sensitivity to light and sound, that even scrolling through Insta is not possible, let alone Netflix! And the icing on the fucking cake, is that I am not able to eat cake! (or anything) during this time, because, lucky me, I have nausea to join the party too! What is life without food??

So what do I do all day? Being in a dark, cold, quiet room is not exactly the definition of ‘living your best life’. It is day-dependent. So in attempts to not jump off of a building on grave days, (don’t worry, I am in therapy), on better days I have been on the path to ‘find myself’. I say it in speech marks because a) it is harder than it looks, and b) so far I don’t even know if I like what I am finding! For example, I now do yoga which is meant to center you, relax your mind, except all I have learnt so far is I sweat in more places than I thought possible, & muscles that I assumed were working fine (or rather working better than parts I knew were weak), betray you when you are holding a pose by frantically twitching! And then my anxiety somehow manages to kick in because it’s not going right, and it just all ends up far from Centered. BUT, I will stick with it, its the only form of exercise I can do without triggering Helga.

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As well as this, I enjoy travelling! You can tell I’m really trying this whole ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, thing. Most recently I went to Greece, as much as one would HOPE your body will let you enjoy just a few days (who are we kidding), out of the 11 days, I had 5 bad days, and by bad I mean I couldn’t get out of bed! What I have come to terms with is that because those days will come, the only way to survive is to make the good days count. Sometimes it feels like I’m mentally and physically drowning and there is no way out, all you see is darkness (it could also be because I can’t switch on the lights), but since I’ve stopped comparing my timeline of life with others around me, there is a small hope that some day I too, at my own pace, will be able to check things off my list. For now, I take the days I smile as an achievement, (and eating half a dozen donuts in one sitting), who knows maybe one day it’ll be a full dozen!

Sending love your way,

Emma B β™‘

27 Comments Add yours

  1. elliesmutterings says:

    You are a truly amazing person. To actually write this down is incredibly hard, to admit to yourself firstly. To actually seek out counselling means your willing to fight. I wish you loads of luck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      Thank you for your kind words, Ellie πŸ™‚ We are all fighting a fight of sorts aren’t we!

      Emma B β™‘

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone’s timeline is different, but as long as you do what makes you happy, follow your own path, that is the most important thing. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do something in a certain timeframe!

    Love, Amie ❀
    The Curvaceous Vegan

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      I’m glad you feel the same way πŸ™‚ sometimes things work out differently for others, but it doesn’t mean their way is any better than yours!

      Sending love your way,

      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  3. Such a great post – life can be hard sometimes and we all face different setbacks but it’s also good to allow yourself space and time to heal. One day things won’t be quite so hard and day by day it will get easier to do what you need and want πŸ’› stay strong and I hope you find some peace in this new month xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      Thank you for your kind words darling, hope you have a beautiful month ahead πŸ™‚

      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  4. Thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you more good days πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      Thank you for your kind wishes, have a lovely month ahead πŸ™‚ πŸ’›

      Liked by 1 person

  5. shalycee says:

    Keep doing Yoga! Sweating is good lol! I hope u having better days. Sorry Your Greece trip was kinda wack

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      haha I will! hopefully the sweating lessens at some point πŸ˜‚
      hope you’re having a lovely start of the month darling!

      sending love your way,

      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  6. Great blog post babe, really well-written. Thanks for sharing something so personal πŸ’œβœ¨

    With love, Alisha Valerie x

    | BLOG | TWITTER |

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      Thank you Alisha for being so kind πŸ™‚
      Hope you are having a lovely November!

      Sending love your way,

      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  7. Sammie says:

    Sending all the love. It’s so sad the amount of pressure unnecessarily put on us by other people and the damage that does. Thanks for having the courage to share your story and I hope you’re ok. This was a really great post πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      I agree! As if we don’t have enough to deal with without the extra people pressure! Thank you so much for your kind words Sammie, hope you are having a lovely month πŸ™‚
      Sending love your way,
      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  8. So good, Emma! Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. That’s a saying, right? Anyway, it sounds like you’re truly doing the best you can – yoga, Greece, and donuts? I’m in! Good for you!
    Deb
    imperfectprogress.me

    Like

    1. Emma B says:

      Haha I shall use this saying! Donuts always win!! Thank you Deb for your vote of confidence! πŸ™‚

      Sending love your way,

      Emma B β™‘

      Like

  9. RoseMarie says:

    You are an inspiration! Sharing your story on this platform or any platform really is so amazing. I thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      thank you RoseMarie, you are too kind 😍

      Liked by 1 person

      1. RoseMarie says:

        You’re very welcome😊

        Like

  10. I have enjoyed reading this so much!! You are such an inspiration!! Followed and I cannot wait to read more from you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      thank you darling, you are too kind!! hope you are having a lovely week, looking forward to your updates πŸ™‚ πŸ’›

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you lovely! Hope you’ve had a good week too!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. godssweetnectar says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t compare your timeline with others, that will only set you up for failure. God has a plan for all of us in his own time. You are a strong person. I will be praying for you. Again, thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      Thank you for the kindest comment πŸ’› I hope you have a wonderful holiday season! xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. godssweetnectar says:

        You too!

        Like

  12. Mina says:

    This is the most relatable thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for writing this. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Emma B says:

      It’s an unfortunate circumstance, but it’s so nice to hear that we aren’t going through this alone πŸ’› hope you are having a beautiful start to the year my lovely! xx

      Like

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